Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
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“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
he’s doing your taxes
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes