If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
catch me on valentine’s day like
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.