*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
August 8
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.