Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.