if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
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“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
accurate
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”