Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.