If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Oh we’ve met.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.