I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool