Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
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[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
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