For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you