My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
A great tip. #CakeRex
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.