[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
You Might Also Like
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward