Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now