ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.