I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
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The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.