I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline