Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.