just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
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[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick