lot going on here, legally speaking.
You Might Also Like
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Looking at you, Jesus.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
WHY would you be happy about this?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me after eating Cheetos
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Catercrombie & Fish
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.