[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!