Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
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Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.