5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
You Might Also Like
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
So inspired right now.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference