INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.