My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
When you’re here for the treats.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.