Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it