*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Alexa, set the neighbor鈥檚 fire alarms for 3am.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Just because I鈥檓 gay, doesn鈥檛 mean I don鈥檛 know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me when the waiter asks if there鈥檚 room for dessert
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Hot hot hot 馃サ
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here鈥檚 a dozen cupcakes.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he鈥檚 been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn鈥檛 get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
JOSEPH AND MARY: We鈥檒l stay in the manger, we don鈥檛 care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don鈥檛 make a scene