I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.