-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
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Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable