I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
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[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.