At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
You Might Also Like
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
an airline just for babies.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.