Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
You Might Also Like
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.