[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
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2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
just witnessed a drug deal