wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho