BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time