My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear