Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…