If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com