I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.