Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
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Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Day 2 of my diet
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.