you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave