I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.