At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
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[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!