me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
How actors in movies eat their food
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Camping tip: No.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list