My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
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My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
happy valentine’s day to me
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.