Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.