Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
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I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
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Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer