just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout