Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
what
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?