My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
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A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
12653.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Driving in Europe vs Canada
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”