Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
i made a craigslist ad !
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
my retirement plan is braless
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide